I've been busy with a regimen of intensive behavioral therapy prescribed after the episode that occurred when I found out Brenda Walsh was staging a grand comeback on Dancing With the Stars, while I, LAURA KINGMAN, am trapped in this so-called "psychiatric hospital." Therefore, I haven't been stabbing at my Brenda Walsh voodoo dolls with my authentic Maggie the Cat pin as much as I'd like.
Thank heavens that the gods have heard my plea. For years people have been making suggestions that worshipping a pair of ceramic drama masks is pointless or insane. Well, LOOK WHO IS LAUGHING NOW, AND IT ISN'T BRENDA WALSH!
It's me! LAURA KINGMAN! Maggie the Cat is alive! I'm ALIVE!
That's right, America fell sway to the power of my voodoo masks, and BRENDA WALSH couldn't even beat Kate Gosselin, who according to one of the orderlies in my ward is one of the most unpopular shrews in America. The vile Minneapolitan role-stealing WHORE was voted off for SUCKING at jive dancing. I guess that since the evil and corrupt Roy Randolph wasn't on the judging panel, Brenda had nobody to do a DO-OVER private "audition" with. I guess Carrie Ann Inaba isn't as easily influenced by skin-tight black mock turtleneck mini-dresses as CERTAIN California University acclaimed visiting theater directors. NICE TRY, BREN.
Now that I've secured my archenemy's dismal failure (HA HA HA), I intend to increase my schadenfreude even more by praying in the name of Tennessee Williams to my revered masks that something like THIS will come true:
It's a pity that I can't make this happen with one of my patented fabricated rape accusations, but hey, a STAR LIKE ME can dream!
I know that's not the greeting you're used to from me, but I'm practicing for my new undercover assignment. With all these middle-aged blonde terrorists getting caught failing at half-baked schemes to assassinate Scandinavian political cartoonists, the powers that be knew there was only one patriotic cougar in the national security business they could count on to prevent future evildoing.
Unfortunately, Valerie Plame retired after that whole big Bob Novak-Karl Rove political vengeance thing. So, the boys over in Langley decided to see what kind of investigative assets were available at the domestic agencies. Fortunately, the notorious Franco-Sicilian Marchette crime family has been inactive for years, so guess who is free to be the new go-to undercover MILF?
That's right. I'm trading in my usual Joan Collins-inspired trophy mistress sequined gowns for a hijab and going international. Luckily, minorbevniner.blogspot.com isn't on most Islamofascists' RSS feeds, so please don't blow my cover. I just wanted you all to know why I will not be around to provide safety tips and death-faking instructions: I am off to infiltrate the ranks of socially inept, lonely, white middle American women who, after their third or fourth failed marriage to an illegal immigrant, join terrorist Yahoo chat groups in a sad, misguided effort to belong, and wind up as co-conspirators in some harebrained attempt on Lars Vilks's life. Really, these sorry women just ought to try e-Harmony. I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there who are 29 dimensions of pathetic that they could be matched with.
Anyway, I'll be away indefinitely defending our rights as Americans, and Lars Vilks's right as a Danish guy to draw the prophet Muhammad as a dog without lethal reprisals from those who think they hate freedom but really just hate the fact that they've never put on a gown from Givenchy's 1991 spring collection and fallen in love with the convicted junk bond trader they were assigned to protect from the fictional mob. So please don't worry about me. I'll be fighting the good fight and winning the war on terror.
Antiterroristically yours,
Special Agent Christine Pettit
Federal Bureau of Investigation on loan to the Central Intelligence Agency
Dr. Mel Silver, DDS here. It's that time of the month again...and I'm not talking about my ex-wife's epic sporadic coke-and-alcohol binges. It's time to make like my son David and "swiggity switch it up" with some fresh hot dental hygienist strange!
Reality television is a rich hunting ground for sexy tooth scrubbers, and I was pleased to see that a perfect specimen of this was on a show with a concept that appealed to me as a playboy oral surgeon: Beauty and the Geek. This show is a reality competition that reads like my autobiography during my dental school years: earnest young intellectuals scoring with stupid yet disproportionately good-looking women. That's why I knew that from the moment I saw Sarah Coleman, a feisty technician of the oral sciences from season 2, that she was Miss March.
I wouldn't think twice before hiring Sarah to wield a lip spreader at my office and assist me with my oral care of Beverly Hills' social upper crust. Look at her elegant taste in shirts. The diamond detailing is a particularly sophisticated touch. And if you look at this picture while in the same state Donna Martin was at her senior prom after three flutes of my finest champagne, Sarah almost looks like my stepdaughter Kelly Taylor circa season 2. She'd fit right in with the clientele at my thriving Beverly Hills practice, which in case you didn't know, is the third best in all Los Angeles. And no, it's not creepy that I'm salivating over the prospect of "hiring" a woman who looks like my stepdaughter. The operative term is STEPdaughter, and ex-stepdaughter at that. So don't listen to the ridiculous lies that certain attorneys of one Jackie Taylor might be spreading around concerning my supposedly "lewd" and "inappropriate" sexual proclivities at work. And remember, ladies, what happens in the dental chair, stays in the dental chair.
Recently, the intelligence community has picked up chatter containing specific threats related to a Ms. Brenda Walsh and her upcoming performance on ABC's hit prime-time competition Dancing With the Stars. Ms. Walsh has been the subject of numerous threats due to the modicum of public exposure she has received by starring in two non-prominent theatrical productions at California University and traveling abroad to western Europe. Additionally, she has consorted with numerous French and British nationals on foreign and domestic soil and was once criminally involved with what she implied was some sort of stupidity-mediated, self-imposed Stockholm syndrome situation with a militant yet inept radical animal liberation group. In an effort to escape both her tumultuous past and her present notoriety, she has taken to using the alias "Shannen Doherty." Recent internet intelligence suggests that her past identity has been discovered, and it is now of the utmost importance that we protect her against those evildoers who would cause her harm.
Typically, we would do this by raising the terror alert threat level. Unfortunately, since the majority of the threats against Ms. Walsh appear to come from a delusional, institutionalized mental patient who briefly gained access to a computer rather than known jihadist organizations or drug cartels, I am unable to justify such an action. Even though it is against my nature as an employee of the federal government, I find it wasteful and excessive to cut through that mountain of red tape the pencil pushers over at Homeland Security require for just one person. Besides, with Al Qaeda and all the other legitimate terror threats keeping us busy, we at the government's 249 or so various redundant law enforcement and security agencies are spread thin as it is. Therefore, the FBI–and more specifically a team consisting of and headed by me, known to the boys at the Bureau as the Ravishing Cougar Unit–will handle the recent threats to Ms. Walsh's person.
As I have known Ms. Walsh briefly during passing encounters at the Bel Age Hotel in Beverly Hills, California while I was undercover as her boyfriend's father's bodyguard/mistress, it is with great sadness that I announce Ms. Walsh will be dying soon in an unexpected car bomb. She won't be expecting it at all when she goes to unlock and start a mysterious obviously government-issued American-made sedan, and it explodes, instantly killing her and leaving no trace of her body.
It's really a tragedy that Ms. Walsh's "death" will result, but that's what we at the federal government have to do to keep our cultural icons safe. Luckily, Ms. Walsh doesn't have any annoying, brooding children who will try to deal with traumatic memories of their parent's faked death by tracking down the killer(s) only to realize that the parent was cooperating with the government in some sort of nondescript RICO/securities fraud investigation and was put into the witness protec––
Actually, I meant to say that it's merely a tremendous tragedy that Brenda Walsh will soon die in a car bomb. A nation mourns.
***EMERGENCY LAURA KINGMAN FAN CLUB ALERT BULLETIN***
To all of my rabid fans, I have terrible news. We have a "CODE BRENDA WALSH" type situation occurring. Today in my ward they let us watch "Access Hollywood," and let me ASSURE you the nurses will not be doing that again. In fact, we will not be watching anything, since I ripped the TV–chains and all–from its wall mounting in a fit of rage upon seeing the TERRIBLE news:
Brenda Walsh AKA PART STEALING BITCHFACE WHOREBAG is going to be on DANCING WITH THE FUCKING STARS!!!
Darling fans, you must remain strong through this difficult time. NEVER FORGET that I am the true star, and SUFFERING IN CAPTIVITY, all because of this devil-bitch from the land of 10,000 lakes. It is Brenda Walsh, not this supposed made-up diagnosis of "dissociative psychosis" bullshit that the so-called "doctors" here keep talking about, that is responsible for my imprisonment. She has convinced everyone that I am crazy, when we ALL know the real truth. My star power would so outshine hers so she has to keep me LOCKED UP.
Brenda is a USURPER. All she can think about is her jealous rage about what a wonderful actress I am, such a wonderful person to share a stage with. And I think mostly because I'm really indifferent to it. Isn't that right? Never had any anxiety about it. Just did it naturally, easily, slowly. Absolute confidence and complete calm...If I thought I would never be a star again, I would go down to the kitchen, and pick out the longest and the sharpest knife I could find and stick it straight into my heart!
Can BRENDA WALSH give a monologue like that? NO. All she can do is STEAL from me. She isn't an actress. She failed her audition. She doesn't hang ceramic drama masks on her door. She didn't perfect her craft by falsely reporting date rape so believably it inspired Lucinda "Ungatoken" Nicholson to lead the entire California University female student body in a raucous 30-minute Take Back the Night Rally. She hasn't WANTED it like me, and she doesn't have MY TALENT!!! And when I tried to play her game and steal my part back (except it's not stealing because I AM Maggie the Cat, and the part was ALWAYS MINE!!!!!!!), I was publicly disgraced merely because I spread the truth that she is A BIG ROY RANDOLPH QUID PRO QUO SEXUAL FAVOR-PROVIDING PROSTITUTION WHORE and asked Steve Sanders to help her have an "accident." I didn't mean KILL her! I just meant that he should tell her to break a leg, and then break her leg, or something like that. It would have been more effective than always calling Cindy Walsh and blessing her with a demonstration of my acting ability, which easily fooled her into thinking I was someone from the drama department and thus making Brenda late for rehearsal AND pissing off Roy Randolph. Too bad then she FUCKED ROY RANDOLPH LIKE THE BIG SLUTBAG SHE IS, and cost me MY shot at the BIG TIME. I never would have done that if she hadn't SCREWED ME (via Roy Randolph), and made me the lowly understudy while she took my RIGHTFUL place as Maggie the Cat.
That is why, dearest fans, we must not watch this Dancing with the Fame-Stealing "Stars." Actually, since I am currently sequestered from my adoring public, I can't fall back on my old tricks of getting revenge, pity, and attention by fabricating some heinous felony sexual assault or by threatening suicide with a stage sandbag rope-and-pulley contraption. I have been confined thanks to the vast conspiracy against me perpetrated by BRENDA MARIE WALSH WHO I HATE AND DESPISE!!!!!!
I need those of you who know the TRUTH about how much better I am to get out there. Start protesting! Show up at the DANCING WITH THE THIEVING BODYSUIT-WEARING FRAUDS set and distract this FIENDISH STUPID IMPOSTOR by pelting her with objects during her routines (maybe with copies of the CAT ON A HOT FUCKING TIN NON-BRENDA WALSH-BEARING ROOF!!! BY TENNESSEE HATES FUCKING BRENDA WALSH WILLIAMS!!!!!! script-lol). PLEASE CONSPIRE AGAINST BRENDA AS I HAVE BEEN CONSPIRED AGAINST BY BRENDA, and destroy her chances of stealing yet another triumph that should be MINE!
At least vote against her. I don't particularly care for whom (I know who you WOULD vote for if you could write in...maybe at my next hearing the mental health board won't say that treating my alleged "disorder" is "like watching an improvisational, never-ending version of the final scene in Sunset Boulevard," and that they've finally seen the light as to my superior skills as a queen of the stage, and let me out of here in time for next season, where I will FINALLY OUTSHINE THAT SNAGGLETOOTHED HOOKER-ASS TWATFACE.
Please hang some ceramic drama masks in your home or office, or from your car's rearview mirror in solidarity. One day I will be free!!! I'M READY FOR MY FUCKING CLOSE-UP, BRENDA!!!!!
Cheerio, my tasty young co-eds! 'Tis I, the world-famous master of the theatre, Roy Randolph, and I have taken a break from my current directorial smash success on the off-off-off-off-off-off-off Broadway collegiate summer theatre circuit to enlighten you all with some spectacular news.
Typically, American television is a ghastly mess of humourless situation comedies, formulaic police dramas, and the most vulgar forms of documentary (which I believe the Yanks refer to as "reality shows," though perish the thought that any of them should ever be my reality). However, finally the blokes who decide telly programming made a proper casting decision...prepare yourselves, chaps.
BRENDA WALSH WILL BE APPEARING ON SEASON TEN OF DANCING WITH THE STARS!
Brenda Walsh has many talents. Now that she's recently come from her directorial debut (not as magnificent as mine, but it is unfair to make the lovely Miss Walsh compete with a veritable god) on the West Beverly High production of Spring Awakening, she's decided to show that she is what your coarse American critics would categorize as "a triple threat." Not only does she act and direct, she also can dance. And how, by God!
While notable amateurs such as chat show host Jerry Springer, physical prankster Steve-O, and footballer Warren Sapp have displayed their footwork on this programme, none will be able to match the sheer explosion of talent emanating from Miss Walsh. I should add that the forgettable Kelly Taylor, who chose a dull life of pathetic insignificance when she removed herself from contention for the role of Maggie in my aforementioned epic production, previously proved herself once again a miserable failure not worth the clotted cream on her crumpets during a previous stint on this show. Likewise, Steve Sanders, the erstwhile accomplice of the utterly mental trollop Laura Kingman, couldn't sway the audience with his jive routine in the semi-finals of season four. Those grim fates shall not await the singular Brenda Walsh. Undoubtedly she will shine like the effulgent star I aver her to be.
Miss Walsh has already displayed that her dancing chops are almost as meaty and luscious as her acting chops. During a private moment she once confessed to me that she once, due to happy accident at a university pool party, found herself in a dance contest with a masterful dancer: specifically, the noted David Silver, who even at that young age already had a credit as remarkable as the second chair pianist for the noted tenor Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds. Not only could Brenda Walsh match Mr. Silver's suave stepping technique, she assisted him in a grand and valourous triumph over their rivals. On another occasion, she prevented a reignition of the tragic riots that plagued South Central Los Angeles by participating in a dance routine that distracted the ruffians of colour who threatened to disrupt the West Beverly homecoming dance. Ultimately this resulted in racial harmony, a brilliant spoken word performance by the aforementioned Mr. Silver, and a treacly, poorly structured 10,000 word first-person editorial piece of rubbish by Brenda's insufferable, self-important enemy AKA her twin brother Brandon Walsh.
I sincerely hope that Miss Walsh has the fortune of being paired with a dancer of European origin. Not only are European men far more smooth and sophisticated than their coarse and boorish American counterparts, but it will grant her the opportunity to showcase her ear for accents. Due to my familiarity with her very early work, I can say that she does honour to accents from both Brooklyn and France. Certainly, thanks to her legendary performance under my directorial command, the entire world knows she does a spot-on version of a trashy, desperate Mississippian. I would be positively thrilled to listen to her shrewish voice flex its Ukrainian muscles when engaging in improvisational banter with Maksim Chmerkovskiy. She has demonstrated her British accent to me in the privacy of my estate on many occasions, and I must say it is impeccable.
So let us all toss our tea in the bin, and instead raise a snifter of brandy to the glourious Brenda Walsh. May she dance with the stars forever!
PS-Please exercise caution in viewing the below video, as the despair over never having seen something as astonishingly majestic as this might cause you to consider suicide, as your life will surely be complete.
