Dental Hygienist of the Month: April 2010

Hi gang.

It's your favorite oral dentist's favorite dentist: Mel Silver, of course. It's about that time...time for my monthly homage to women working in the greatest profession to ever employ young, naive, hardbodied 19-year-olds. Barely legal, and educated only in the many ways of working a mouth. Of course I am talking about my main source of material to womanize: the dental hygienists who might be on my payroll.

This month's lovely lady first met me due to a dental crisis. She's a little older than I usually like them, but don't let that fool you. She's wild. After a raucous night guzzling booze, vacuuming up rails of coke, and losing extremely heavy gold-and-onyx earrings, this lady truly transforms into a real cougar. And I mean cougar in the sense that she snarls, hisses, and may well rip you to shreds. Especially if you pour out her hooch.

I kid. I kid. That's actually my ex-wife Jackie. The woman is the drunken scourge of my existence and she is NOT a professional in the oral sciences. She's like a rabid blonde chinchilla who smells like Poison by Christian Dior, vomit, Crystal Palace vodka, and Tic Tacs. I just figured that in the spirit of April 1st, I'd make what my son David calls "a joke." Got you. April Fool's. Ha. Ha. Ha. Don't forget to brush.

Hilariously yours,

Mel Silver, DDS

Third Best Oral Surgeon in Los Angeles

melsilverdds@gmail.com

**Oops. I really fooled you. It turns out Jackie Taylor died this past year from metastatic breast cancer. Maybe I should keep better track of what's going on with the mother of my only daughter. Oh well. Plenty of fish in the sea. I better see what kind of hotties' resumés I've got on file.

Dental Hygienist of the Month: March 2010

Hi gang.

Dr. Mel Silver, DDS here. It's that time of the month again...and I'm not talking about my ex-wife's epic sporadic coke-and-alcohol binges. It's time to make like my son David and "swiggity switch it up" with some fresh hot dental hygienist strange!

Reality television is a rich hunting ground for sexy tooth scrubbers, and I was pleased to see that a perfect specimen of this was on a show with a concept that appealed to me as a playboy oral surgeon: Beauty and the Geek. This show is a reality competition that reads like my autobiography during my dental school years: earnest young intellectuals scoring with stupid yet disproportionately good-looking women. That's why I knew that from the moment I saw Sarah Coleman, a feisty technician of the oral sciences from season 2, that she was Miss March.

I wouldn't think twice before hiring Sarah to wield a lip spreader at my office and assist me with my oral care of Beverly Hills' social upper crust. Look at her elegant taste in shirts. The diamond detailing is a particularly sophisticated touch. And if you look at this picture while in the same state Donna Martin was at her senior prom after three flutes of my finest champagne, Sarah almost looks like my stepdaughter Kelly Taylor circa season 2. She'd fit right in with the clientele at my thriving Beverly Hills practice, which in case you didn't know, is the third best in all Los Angeles. And no, it's not creepy that I'm salivating over the prospect of "hiring" a woman who looks like my stepdaughter. The operative term is STEPdaughter, and ex-stepdaughter at that. So don't listen to the ridiculous lies that certain attorneys of one Jackie Taylor might be spreading around concerning my supposedly "lewd" and "inappropriate" sexual proclivities at work. And remember, ladies, what happens in the dental chair, stays in the dental chair.

melsilverdds@gmail.com

Dental Hygienist of the Month: January and February 2010

Hi gang.

Sorry I've been absent for a couple months, but you know what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's what I told my son David, anyway, when he complained that I'd been gone so long at an "oral surgery conference." Better tell him that than the truth: I was actually getting oral from a certified head doctor and youthful new employee during an extended trip to sunny México. If it makes David feel any better, I was thinking of him when they played that Jasper's Law song he wrote for Donna or possibly Valerie in the Mazatlan airport bar. That's a great song for waiting around to. I think I might start jamming that in the reception area of my thriving dental practice (the third best in Los Angeles, I might add).

Anyway, let's get to the business I know best: hot, nubile oral hygienists. This installment of this series had to be great, since it has to make up for two months of silence. After scouring the world for a woman of such quality, I finally found the lady to light fires in my loins during these two dreary winter months in beautiful Italy! Meet the luscious and talented Nicole Minetti:

The luscious Ms. Minetti was convinced by the awesomely corrupt Italian President Silvio Berlusconi to throw her thigh-highs into the political fray and run for some type of regional governor position. This makes a great deal of sense, because before she attended to President Berlusconi in a time of dental crisis (when an angry citizen struck him in the face with a marble statue of the Duomo di Milano), she appeared on some show as a "dancer" and the Italian version of "Candid Camera." Clearly she is qualified to preside over the workings of Tuscany or wherever, if she's qualified to preside over the president's mouth. I vote Minetti, or I will, the next time I take one of my dental assistants to Europe for another "conference."

Dental Hygienist of the Month: December

Hi gang.

It's me again, Dr. Mel Silver. I hope now that Thanksgiving is over, you'll consider making an appointment with your local dentist (and if you happen to live in or near Beverly Hills, that would be yours truly.) All those pies can really erode your enamel.

Speaking of sugary pies, now it's December, and you all know what that means! Time for a new Dental Hygienist of the Month! You might be asking yourself why I'm qualified to judge this category, especially since nowadays the people in this line of work like to call themselves dental assistants. Well, it's like I always tell my son David: I'm the third best oral surgeon in Los Angeles, and I'm old school. I also call flight attendants "stewardesses." Sue me. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and boy, am I a dog.

That brings me to the other reason I'm qualified to select the creme de la creme of the world's most able oral care specialists: I'm a TOTAL pussy hound. Unfortunately, my weakness for a barely legal, vocationally-trained woman flossing someone else's pearly whites has ruined all my marriages. And as long as I'm single, I might as well appreciate all the beauty that this glorious profession has to offer.

Enter Miss December. She's a little older than my usual choice of hygienist, but I think you can all agree with me that she has so much style and class I can overlook her cougar status. Her name is Maria, and she was on an incredibly tasteful television program called "Rock of Love Bus." So she's not only an oral master, she's also a storied entertainer. Truly a Renaissance dental hygienist. She can massage my gums anytime.

Dental Hygienist of the Month

Hi gang.

Dr. Mel Silver here. Not Mel Silver the producer. Mel Silver the oral surgeon. The third-best oral surgeon in all of Los Angeles, in case you were wondering. Anyway, I'm single this week, so if you meet the following criteria, you should call me:

1. You are involved in the oral trade, either as a student or as a practicing dental assistant

2. You are hot, and not old enough to drink legally in the United States, and you do not know my son David

3. You like free trips to Cabo contingent upon fucking your boss, who is admittedly one of the hottest nerds in the dental science game

In the meantime, take a gander at the new young lady in my office. I mean, doesn't she just look like she's ready to throw a bib on you, grab her impression mask, and discover your secret bulimia? And then, like she's ready to go to México and bone the shit out of you for the price of plane tickets and some huevos rancheros? HELL YES! Let's give a big old Bev Niner welcome to Miss November!