Recently, the intelligence community has picked up chatter containing specific threats related to a Ms. Brenda Walsh and her upcoming performance on ABC's hit prime-time competition Dancing With the Stars. Ms. Walsh has been the subject of numerous threats due to the modicum of public exposure she has received by starring in two non-prominent theatrical productions at California University and traveling abroad to western Europe. Additionally, she has consorted with numerous French and British nationals on foreign and domestic soil and was once criminally involved with what she implied was some sort of stupidity-mediated, self-imposed Stockholm syndrome situation with a militant yet inept radical animal liberation group. In an effort to escape both her tumultuous past and her present notoriety, she has taken to using the alias "Shannen Doherty." Recent internet intelligence suggests that her past identity has been discovered, and it is now of the utmost importance that we protect her against those evildoers who would cause her harm.
Typically, we would do this by raising the terror alert threat level. Unfortunately, since the majority of the threats against Ms. Walsh appear to come from a delusional, institutionalized mental patient who briefly gained access to a computer rather than known jihadist organizations or drug cartels, I am unable to justify such an action. Even though it is against my nature as an employee of the federal government, I find it wasteful and excessive to cut through that mountain of red tape the pencil pushers over at Homeland Security require for just one person. Besides, with Al Qaeda and all the other legitimate terror threats keeping us busy, we at the government's 249 or so various redundant law enforcement and security agencies are spread thin as it is. Therefore, the FBI–and more specifically a team consisting of and headed by me, known to the boys at the Bureau as the Ravishing Cougar Unit–will handle the recent threats to Ms. Walsh's person.
As I have known Ms. Walsh briefly during passing encounters at the Bel Age Hotel in Beverly Hills, California while I was undercover as her boyfriend's father's bodyguard/mistress, it is with great sadness that I announce Ms. Walsh will be dying soon in an unexpected car bomb. She won't be expecting it at all when she goes to unlock and start a mysterious obviously government-issued American-made sedan, and it explodes, instantly killing her and leaving no trace of her body.
It's really a tragedy that Ms. Walsh's "death" will result, but that's what we at the federal government have to do to keep our cultural icons safe. Luckily, Ms. Walsh doesn't have any annoying, brooding children who will try to deal with traumatic memories of their parent's faked death by tracking down the killer(s) only to realize that the parent was cooperating with the government in some sort of nondescript RICO/securities fraud investigation and was put into the witness protec––
Actually, I meant to say that it's merely a tremendous tragedy that Brenda Walsh will soon die in a car bomb. A nation mourns.
Protectively yours,
Special Agent Christine Pettit
Federal Bureau of Investigation
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