Assalaamu alaikum, my fellow Americans!I know that's not the greeting you're used to from me, but I'm practicing for my new undercover assignment. With all these middle-aged blonde terrorists getting caught failing at half-baked schemes to assassinate Scandinavian political cartoonists, the powers that be knew there was only one patriotic cougar in the national security business they could count on to prevent future evildoing.
Unfortunately, Valerie Plame retired after that whole big Bob Novak-Karl Rove political vengeance thing. So, the boys over in Langley decided to see what kind of investigative assets were available at the domestic agencies. Fortunately, the notorious Franco-Sicilian Marchette crime family has been inactive for years, so guess who is free to be the new go-to undercover MILF?
That's right. I'm trading in my usual Joan Collins-inspired trophy mistress sequined gowns for a hijab and going international. Luckily, minorbevniner.blogspot.com isn't on most Islamofascists' RSS feeds, so please don't blow my cover. I just wanted you all to know why I will not be around to provide safety tips and death-faking instructions: I am off to infiltrate the ranks of socially inept, lonely, white middle American women who, after their third or fourth failed marriage to an illegal immigrant, join terrorist Yahoo chat groups in a sad, misguided effort to belong, and wind up as co-conspirators in some harebrained attempt on Lars Vilks's life. Really, these sorry women just ought to try e-Harmony. I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there who are 29 dimensions of pathetic that they could be matched with.
Anyway, I'll be away indefinitely defending our rights as Americans, and Lars Vilks's right as a Danish guy to draw the prophet Muhammad as a dog without lethal reprisals from those who think they hate freedom but really just hate the fact that they've never put on a gown from Givenchy's 1991 spring collection and fallen in love with the convicted junk bond trader they were assigned to protect from the fictional mob. So please don't worry about me. I'll be fighting the good fight and winning the war on terror.
Antiterroristically yours,
Special Agent Christine Pettit
Federal Bureau of Investigation on loan to the Central Intelligence Agency
PS-If you see me on MySpace trolling for wannabe-terrorists, please don't compromise the investigation by acknowledging my true identity.
PPS-Never mind. Nobody except these pathetic Jihad Jane losers use MySpace anymore, anyway.
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