Happy Thanksgiving to all you law-abiding civilians! The Peach Pit turkey is on the table, and rather than sit around watching it get cold while a spoiled, ungrateful brat broods about his daddy issues, I thought I'd share some of my sure-fire crime prevention tips! That way, all you regular folks can avoid being caught in the post-Thanksgiving crime epidemic that befalls us annually during this otherwise happy season.1. Fake your death. I can't emphasize this enough. Criminals can't victimize you if they believe that you were killed in a car bomb. And this is one of the rare situations where you actually want to follow the terrorists' example. Really do try to make it spectacular. The less likely it is that you survived, the more likely it is the criminals will believe you are actually dead.
2. Avoid getting involved in business deals inexplicably involving junk bonds and supposedly Italian mobsters with French surnames. Junk bond trading and organized crime are each illegal activities one should steer clear of in general, but combining these two can be particularly dangerous. For starters, you should always be suspicious of anyone purporting to be of Sicilian descent who answers to a geographically and linguistically incongruous name like "Marchette" (for example). Anyone who is so unabashedly misrepresenting themselves is highly likely to be involved with violations of the RICO act and securities fraud, as well as other more unpalatable crimes (ie: murder).
3. Avoid allowing your offspring to marry offspring of Franco-Sicilian mobsters. This usually results in an accidental death by assassination.
4. Do not grant bottom shelf 1980s-era Geraldo Rivera knockoffs access to your entire $8 million dollar fortune. I repeat, no matter how many times he promises to "clean up the bay" so you can surf more often, no matter how many vinegar-and-baking soda experiments he shows you at work to prove his capacity in this regard, and no matter how persuasive he can be when dropping fancy official-sounding "science" words such as "bioremediation," do NOT invest every dime you have except the Blue Book value of your Porsche in his scheme. I don't care if this guy is married to some trailer-trash former mistress of your father's that you didn't know about or if he's the stepfather of your hideously ugly bastard half-sister. He is running a long con on you and is NOT to be trusted.
5. Do not use alcohol or heroin. If a shady creep in a pool hall asks if you've ever "chased the dragon" in front of the entire bar, go back to your surf shack and bang the hell out of Valerie Malone instead. Don't take him up on his offer. Illegal narcotics are bad news, and guess what? If you are an alcoholic, you can't just have a beer or two to unwind. That's how flowerpots get smashed and Brenda Walsh gets scared.
6. Whenever possible, go undercover as a rich guy's trophy cougar mistress. In my experience, there is no disguise more effective at deceiving criminals.
7. If you must steal something, make sure it's your best friend's boyfriend. And in my experience, there's no better way to cement this legal form of theft than by doing her in the pool at the Bel Age Hotel.
8. The best place to hide from one's enemies, responsibilities, creditors, or potential murderers is the Bel Age Hotel. Actually, if you have a yacht, that works too.
9. In the event that some family member of yours fakes his/her death, don't launch an investigation so incompetent that it makes Elmer Fudd look like Sherlock Holmes. For one thing, you'll draw unwanted attention to the person who is trying to hide. For another, you'll probably encounter the dangerous sorts of people that your fake-dead family member was trying to get away from. TIP: If you are trying to get the most asinine, threesome-containing sci-fi screenplay ever picked up by a producer, AVOID pitching the project to known criminal associates of your fake-dead family members who have abandoned ski gondolas in their backyards.
10. If you really want to know how to hide and you can't ask me, you should actually talk to the U.S. Marshals. They are in charge of federal witness protection, not the FBI.
And on that note, I wish you all a wonderful, safe holiday season full of faked deaths and intact 8 million dollar fortunes.
Stay legal,
Special Agent Christine Pettit
Federal Bureau of Investigation
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