Thanksgiving - I'm not Thankful for Anything Because I have the Two Lamest Parents in the World

Hi everyone.

My name is Hannah Rose Zuckerman Vasquez. Can you even believe I got stuck with such a shitty-ass name? I'm pissed.

Right now, this blog is coming to you from inside my fat mother's womb. Her name is Andrea. It's not pronounced like how you would noramlly pronounce Andrea but instead it's "AHHHHHNNNNNNDREEEEEAAAAAHHHHH." When I first heard my dad call her this I about blew a gasket. Is she for real?

I was conceived when my normally uptight, super-lame mother got all hopped up sexual feelings and decided to bang the shit out of my Puerto Rican father. Talk about a scandal in the Zuckerman house!! Ain't no Jewish PR's out there. Grandma Rose bout flipped her shit when she heard that one. But then she realized my dad's pretty smart and for some god awful reason loves my mom, and then she got over the hump.

Anyway, I'm hearing from my annoying-ass mom that tomorrow is Thanskgiving. I also heard today while watching "Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell" that some vegans are taking to calling it "ThanksLIVING" instead - because all the turkeys should live and we shouldn't eat them. Maybe when I get out of the womb, I'll become a vegan. SHA - and maybe someday my mom will have a nickname OTHER than Buzzkill Zuckerman.

So - I guess I'm supposed to say what I'm thankful for. Um - NOTHING. Let's see - my mother is ANDREA ZUCKERMAN. That means I'm sure to be the school nerd, perpetually look about ten-fifteen years older than I really am, and always be packing on at least an extra 20 pounds. Thanks Mom.

Due to my dad, Jesse Vaquez, I'm sure to get preferential treatment due to the fact that I'm a minority, but given the ethical morality of my mom, I'm definitely going to have a huge internal dilemma about everything that's handed to me in my life. Cool.

But what I'm most UNthankful about is that all the other kids of the original 90 cast get preemo spots in the new 90210 - guess what narded Hannah Vasquez gets? A tiny bit part in the very first episode - THAT'S IT - guess what I was doing? Following in my buzzkill mother's footsteps, reading on-air school report for West Bev. You know what though, it's all good because there was a "MAJOR STORY BREAKING!" and I was the first one to crack it - after I exchanged an egg of course.

Aight peeps I'm out - I won't be back for a while because after my mom eats the entire bird for Thanksgiving, I'm sure to be in a food coma till birth.